In Honor of the Birthing Season

I started this post a year ago. I was four days from my due date with my precious Dax, and I was cranky. I was hot, super pregnant, and ready to just start the journey of parenthood with my sweet husband, but our little boy was a stubborn one and refused to oblige his mom and dad any earlier than he wanted. I have several friends who are about to welcome a new baby into their families, and just last week I made the horrible mistake of saying one of these things to my pregnant friend. When I realized what I had said, I was sick! Just one short year later, and I have opened my mouth in the worst of ways. So, as a tribute to all those who are pregnant, and a reminder to those of us who are not, I bring you this little gem. Disclaimer: The following will be the snarkiest of snarks. I was 40 weeks pregnant when I wrote it.


Now, these may seem like simple, harmless conversation pieces. I'm sure they are meant to be conversation fillers because you think there is nothing else in the world to talk about but her pregnancy kind and thoughtful, but frankly, they put moms-to-be on edge simply because they are rude and overused. What's important to understand is that these conversations come from all shapes and sizes of people. No one exempt from using them, and when you pull these out of your back pocket as a save-all for talking to a pregnant woman, you're creating a terrible dilemma. In all honesty, she probably doesn't care how she comes across when responding to you because she's dealing with an insane amount of prage (pregnancy rage), however, on the off chance that you catch her on a good day, she will actually, maybe, possibly care how she answers you. There are two different categories for all people, and figuring out which category you fall into is more stressful than formulating a proper answer. Mom-to-be will be sweating profusely under your gaze (all those crazy hormones, you know), as her mind races to choose which "category" you are most likely aligned--the "I-know-you-well-enough-to-tell-you-how-I-REALLY-feel" category or the "expected-answer-wanted" category.  The expected-answer-wanted participants usually receive the answer that she has rehearsed a thousand times in front of the mirror for just a situation as this. The biggest mistake a pregnant woman can make is mis-categorizing you. When pregnant, I was guilty of this--telling the wrong person about my nausea, telling the wrong person about my anxiety over becoming a mom, telling the wrong person about my desire to have this child before my due date, etc., etc. When we mis-categorize you, it is obvious. The look on your face is unmistakable, and it's very clear to both of us that we've irrevocably messed up. You will never forget the exhaustion/irritability/annoyance in my voice, and I will never forget the disappointment on your face when you've decided that my answer has not been "good enough."

Something that is left out of pregnancy books, apps, and advice from all around is that from the moment you get that positive on the pregnancy test, you gain a new understanding for what those first-time moms-to-be are feeling. You learn to look for those you can cling to and lean on for understanding:  the mom with one to two young kids who remembers pregnancy, childbirth, newborn-raising with vivid [a hint of] clarity. AND you learn who to quickly avoid: those people who have no earthly idea or have clearly forgotten what you're experiencing--men, the elderly, those moms who have suffered extreme memory loss while raising their now-grown children, etc.

Take note of the following questions/statements, and make sure to avoid them at all cost when chatting it up at the next baby shower you attend.

1. "How are you feeling?"
Expected Answer: "I feel amazing! My body is like a rockstar--I'm growing this perfectly healthy human being without any worries or sacrifices of my own. I am currently training for my first marathon, and I'm not even a runner! It's truly amazing--I know have all this energy! I'm never tired, and I used to worry all the time before pregnancy, but that has seemingly all vanished! I sleep better than I ever have, and I have never felt so full of life!"

What I'm really thinking: "Well, where would you like me to start? I got three hours of sleep last night because I was up worrying that I was going into labor. My anxiety level is off the charts. I threw up three times this morning before 10:00 a.m., and I'm so constipated it's not even funny. I farted so loud in the bathroom at work today that everyone in there stopped their conversation. I cannot do anything to keep my weight within the recommended amount even though I eat healthily and am exercising as much as I can without getting my heart rate above 140. I have absolutely no energy--in fact, I had to lay down and take a nap in the middle of making dinner last night. After I woke up from my nap I realized that I didn't know who would cook me dinner while I was recovering from having the baby, so I sat on the kitchen floor and sobbed. And don't even get me started about my hemorrhoid...the hemorrhoid that is bothering me so bad right now that I'm having a hard time concentrating on this conversation. Anyway, how are you?"

2. "Your due date is almost here!"
Expected answer: " Oh, it is!? I'm so glad you've been watching the calendar because I've been so busy loving this great-feeling-rockstar body of mine that I totally lost count of what week I'm on!"

What I'm really thinking: "No kidding! I've been counting down the last thirty-nine weeks. And to be honest, it doesn't matter that it is almost here, this baby needed to be out of my yesterday. **refer to the "how are you feeling" response**"

3. "You could always go late *10 days, 14 days, etc.* like *insert me/my grandma/mom/mother-in-law/etc.*"
Expected answer: "That will be just fine with my. I'm going to hate not being pregnant--loosing this rockstar body is going to be devastating anyway, and I hate that I'm going to be less in-touch with all of my emotions."

What I'm really thinking: "Are you TRYING to make me feel better?? Not going into labor by my due date=me feeling like my body is not functioning properly=me feeling like a failure=more anxiety to keep me up at night. You have no idea how every twinge I feel, every cramp that comes, every uterine tightening that happens is me hoping, praying, longing to have this baby. You saying that I could go late does not comfort me! It makes me feel like I'm going to be pregnant for the next 1,000 years. Plus, did you not even listen to me when I answered you about how I'm feeling?? My stomach is so big that I cannot successfully cross my legs, get out of the bathtub, get off the couch or toilet, get out of bed, tie my tennis shoes, easily paint my toenails, shave my legs, etc. . My back hurts, my ribs hurt, my hips hurt. AND YOU'RE TELLING ME I COULD *POSSIBLY* HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS FOR ANOTHER MONTH!?!? **insert uncontrollable sobbing at this point**"

4. "You look huge!" (or other variations: "You're about to pop!" "Are you having twins?" "How much weight can you still gain?" etc.)
Expected answer: "*laugh hysterically because you're so witty* You're so right! I AM huge!"

What I'm really thinking: "SHE JUST CALLED ME FAT!!!" *as I eat my fourth piece of shower cake*

So, do all your pregnant friends a favor this birthing season and steer clear of these four conversation pieces. Everyone will appreciate you for your efforts--especially the huge, late-for-her-due-date, calendar-counting, feeling-awesome mom-to-be dying to bring her new bundle of joy into this world.